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Photos: Ivan Pustovalov, produser: Alevtina Elsukova

1. Red Square

You're going to end-up coming here anyhow. To your right is Lenin's Mausoleum, to the left is Bosco Cafe, in the center is St Basil's Cathedral — and behind you is the Zero-Kilometer Mark, from which road-distances are measured, and where you need to toss a coin for good luck. Every year a terrifying tonnage of high-end military hardware trundles past this point on the May 9th Victory Parade. The underground shopping precinct adjacent provides a popular spot for a walk at ground level.

«Kto poslednij v Mavzolej?»

«Who’s last in line for the Mausoleum?»

2. Kashirsky dvor

To get a handle on what our homes are like, who built them, and out of what, pop in to the Kashirsky Dvor-2 DIY-market. They've got it all here — from candelabras to light bulbs, from one nail to an entire new roof, and from floor-tiles to a complete team of builders. The quantity, quality and layout act as a barometer of taste and needs. They're even going to build a monument to guest-workers here.

«Vasha plitka ne prikleivaetsya!»

«Sorry, your tile just won’t glue down!»

3. Bolshoi restaurant

The latest restaurant from Moscow restaurateur Arkady Novikov. Recently opened, it's the perfect place for a ceremonial intergovernmental function — an imperial style and an impressive name. President Medvedev recently hosted his counterpart from the People's Republic of China here, and it seems like they enjoyed it. It's pretty likely they're going to bring you here. Back in the day, they'd have taken you to The Royal Hunt — but that's off the fashion radar now.

«Stejk za 115 dollarov — eto na dvoih?»

«So, the steak at $115 — that’s for two, right?»

Petrovka, 3/6, bld. 2

4. Night Flight Club

An important place despite the majority of Muscovites having no clue of its existence — even though it's bang-slap in the middle of Tverskaya. Its glory is a little faded, but it still serves to demonstrate the useful worth of the American lifestyle, an American passport, and a generous salary. «At around 10pm there are around 20 — 25 working-girls, but the place fills out later on» writes Yahoo!-Travel, «top-end escorts, so carry major cash».

«Skol’ko za chas?»

«How much for an hour?»

Tverskaya, 17

 

5. Sergey Mikhalkov's apartment

To cut a dash in Russia, you need to have been invited to the Mikhalkov's. Best option is a family lunch together with Sergey Mikhalkov, the paterfamilias of the entire family — the most celebrated family in the country. Sergey Mikhalkov wrote the text for the Soviet National Anthem, the music of which now serves as the Russian National Anthem. Both of his sons, Andron, and Nikita (one of only two Russians to be awarded an Oscar) are film directors. It's something that illustrates the eternal opposition between the Westernisers and the Slavophiles. Andron's wife Julia Vysotskaya (a prolific author of books on cuisine) and Nikita's son Stepan Mikhalkov are the last word in culinary matters in Russia. Nikita's daughter Anna produces underground cinema about the racist attacks on Tajiks, Georgians, Uzbeks and Armenians by Russian skinheads.

«Gimn-2 i «Utomlyonnye soln­cem-2» — eto, po-vashemu, ne slishkom?»

«Hymn-2 and «Burnt by the Sun-2» — don’tcha think that’s kinda overdoing it?»

Povarskaya, 35


An open-air cage with pink flamingos in Moscow Zoo

6. Cherkizovsky market

It's known as «Cherkizon». A city within a city, an enclave of freedom. It's essential to see it to understand Moscow. It's a wormhole through which you can see and sense the existence of a parallel economy and the city's ethnic diversity. Cherkizon is also a massive commercial hub - clothing makes its way from here throughout the whole of Russia. Some progressive thinkers have envisioned Cherkizon as a kind of model of a libertarian future where ideas are formed that shape their own times. Regrettably, of course, they're going to tear it down as soon as they can, so it's worth going as soon as you can.

«Mne sumku «Birkin» «dlya zheny»

«I’ll take a Birkin handbag — for my wife, that is»

Bolshaya Cherkizovskaya, 125

7. Beeline Office

We've heard of your special predilection for the BlackBerry. Here in Russia these phone only just went on sale (there was some kind of hang-up with our spooks) and Beeline was the first to offer them. So if yours breaks or you need tech support - better try them. Although MTS can help too.

«Rouming barahlit»

«The roaming’s pretty spotty»

1-aya Tverskaya-Yamskaya, 2, bld. 1

8. Comic kiosk

Unlike America, the number of Russian people interested in comics is severely limited. If you want to top-up your collection of Spiderman or Conan The Barbarian the easiest way is to visit the first kiosk dedicated specially to comics, at Taganskaya metro station. They've got Russian editions of Spiderman and even wilder stuff. And if they don't have it, try the outlet of the comics online store allcomics.ru at Baltiyskaya ul 15, Floor 7a, Office 731 - but you need to take ID. It's at Sokol metro, and stays open late.

«Est’ chto-nibud’ pro Spaidermena?»

«Hey, have you got the latest Spiderman?»

Bolshie Kamenshiki, 4

9. Melnikov house

A remarkable building in the depths of the Arbat lanes, a place of pilgrimage for any foreign architect who's arrived in Moscow on business. It serves to demonstrate that Moscow was - once - a major architectural centre. You may have heard about it in the USA — it's in all the architecture textbooks. They've even not demolished it yet, because the Governor of the City of Perm', Senator Gordiev, has been taking close care of it - he's a fan of contemporary art and the Russian avant-garde. But other masterpieces of early Constructivism needn't take up your time — you'd only get upset.

«V nyom kto-nibud’ zhivet?»

«Does anyone actually live there?»

Krivoarbatsky pereulok, 10

10. Rai Club

This is the place to see club-life in Moscow at its most picturesque. There's face-control, bored women, and a dance-floor with elephants. In the john they hand out paper towels, and a team of compliant Afro-Americans escort clients to the urinals.

«Ya v spiske, Obama plyus odin»

«I’m on the guest-list — Obama plus one»

Bolotnaya nab, 9a

11. Sobering-up tank

A unique network of places to which drunks found comatose on the city's streets are hauled-in, sobered-up, and subjected to medical tests. They are a dying breed - with each passing year the number of them grows fewer and fewer. Dropping in a conversational mention that you've been sobered-up in the tank, your stock will rise considerably.

«Ty menya uvazhaesh?»

«Do you respect me?»

Zaraiskaya, 1

12. Bolshoi Theatre

Less than a third of Muscovites have ever been, but tourists are always led here. On the 8th of June they're performing Prokofiev's ballet «Cinderella», best to grab your tickets in advance, but bear in mind — the entire theatre is a massive building-site at the moment whilst massive renovation works are completed, and all the performances are currently on the Bolshoi New Stage in the theatre-building next door.

«Netu lishnego biletika?»

«You wouldn’t have a spare ticket, would ya?»

Teatralnaya pl, 1

13. Gazprom corporate offices

The offices of the biggest corporation in Russia. A source of prosperity, a well-spring of financial plenty, our national pride, and the corridors of power. Polls show its the most sought-after place of work for the large majority of Russian graduates.

«Gde zdes’ ventil’?»

«Where’s the main gas-faucet?»

Nametkina, 16

14. Ostozhenka

This is Moscow's «Golden Mile». It's a space given over to social and architectural experiment — an attempt to create an autonomous zone for well-heeled citizens and contemporary architecture. The most expensive real estate inside the Moscow Ring Road. This is where you can really comprehend that you're living in the city that has the largest concentration of millionaires in the world.

«Shozhu na lanch v «Vanil’»

«I’m gonna graze a little lunch at «Vanil»

15. Cathedral of Christ the Saviour

The face of new Russian Orthodoxy. When dealing with Russia it's important to understand, or at least bear in mind that the Russian Orthodox Church — although formally separate from the State — is a formidable entity of power. You can sense the spirit of the contemporary Orthodox Church to at least some degree by visiting this main Cathedral of Moscow — a newly-recreated replica of the previous Cathedral razed in 1931, built by a Turkish construction company on a site that had been used as a swimming-pool in the interim. The site also houses an antiques dealership, an underground car-wash and car servicing centre, five banqueting halls («The Monastic Dining-Rooms») a concert-hall seating 1 300 people, an underground car-park for 300 cars, and an Italian restaurant. Maximalist sculptor Zurab Tsereteli designed the bas-reliefs.

«Kompleksnaya mojka i svechek na sdachu, pozhalujsta»

«Give it the full hand-wash, and a couple of ­candles with the change»

Volkhonka, 15


In Tretyakov Gallery, hall of XVIII painting

16. Contemporary Art Centre Vin-Zavod

Our Soho. The only area of important galleries displayed on the walls of a former wine-factory. So much is new for Muscovites in the past 10 years that it's hard to really appreciate it all very seriously. There's every chance that this project will follow in the footsteps of the ArtPlay Centre that was set-up in a former factory on Timur Frunze Street — an art and architecture centre that was quickly torn-down to make way for an office block.

«Ya srazu k Gel’manu»

«I’m headed straight for the Gelman»

17. Nedal'ny Vostok restaurant

Another Novikov eaterie that's worth visiting if only to feast your eyes on the astonishing display of what's possible with easy oil money. A view onto a gas-lit Tverskoi Boulevard, a stylish English interior, an inhumane price-tab, glitzy girls on high heels, and government officials discussing kickbacks. There's an accent on Kamchatka Crab in the menu, illustrating the immense boundaries of our homeland.

«500 rublej za butylku vody — eto skol’ko v dollarah?»

«Mineral water for 500 roubles — what’s that in dollars?»

Tverskoi boulevard 15, building 2

18. Moscow-City

A new development area that became main symbol of the new Moscow - a place where big business has argued that the capital could be a city of the future, the new Singapore, and a possible center of the financial world. Until recently, could be considered as the personification of vertical power. Now, these parallels are somewhat out of place — the building are unfinished, the developers face serious problems, and the future Moscow City is likely to look rather different: all the projects are frozen, many skyscrapers may be directed to different needs (the quantity of offices is no longer needed), and some may even be demolished.

«Bashni «Rossiya» ne budet?»

«Y’mean there’s not gonna be a Russia Tower?»

Krasnopresnenskaya embankment


Moscow club Masterskaya

19. Cafe Mayak

Once it was a private cafe for actors — now major journalists drink here, along with poets, writers, and office workers. If Russia filmed «Wag the Dog» or «All The King's Men» — they would be filmed here. The toilet is through the cupboard.

«Nesite srazu grafin»

«Let’s have a jigger of vodka right away»

B. Nikitskaya, 19

20. Basketball court in Festival park

Your beloved basketball isn't as popular in Russia as perhaps you'd like. Particularly games in the street. A rare example of the opposite - a small basketball court on Olympic Prospekt. It's packed-out every day, and the young players who meet up here are more dedicated than many other young Muscovites.

«Polozhi kola»

«Show me a real slam-dunk!»

21. Centre of breast enlargement surgery

Now this is a real Muscovite place, right on the main drag, convenient to drop-in if you happen to be passing by. Just opened, and the financial downturn doesn't affect this kind of business... a young Muscovite prefers to invest in herself, now more than ever.

«Skidki est’?»

«You got any discounts?»

1-ya Tverskaya-Yamskaya, 11

22. Cafe Pushkin

You devoted two pages in your book «The Audacity Of Hope» to Russia and, in particular, to jellied fish, which has caused you a sense of «great concern». Re-energise yourself, give jellied fish another try, alongside other important Russian dishes in a Cafe like Pushkin — the most successful Moscow restaurant known outside Russia. Pushkin is one of two Russian restaurants listed in the distinguished San Pellegrino World's Best Restaurants (in 63rd place), and most prestigious restaurant institution in the capital. They have two kinds of jellied fish on offer — «galantine of pike, zander and salmon with horseradish», and «Stuffed sterlet in jelly».

«Bez hrena, pozhalujsta»

«Hold the horseradish, please»

Tverskoy Boulevard, 26a

23. Ostrov supermarket

Located in the south of Moscow. Here local Tsaritsyno Chief Cop Major Evsyukov shot the cashier and wounded seven customers. Say it short, say it clear — the capital's police officers failed.

«Takoe, k sozhaleniyu, proishodit i u nas»

«Darn it, we get that happening too»

Shipilovsky Pereulok, 50, bld. 1

24. Karetny yard restaurant

Country-style Caucasus cooking just two steps away from the American Embassy, where you can taste shashlyk. Eating barbeque is important a tradition since you'll be coming right on after the celebrations of July 4th. They're open 24/7, you can even show up there in the middle of the night.

«Pomen’she luka, pozhalujsta»

«Easy on the onion, huh?»

Povarskaya, 52

25. Tsaritsyno park

A uniquely Muscovite kind of attraction — the palace is carefully reconstructed from an Imperial Palace of the C18th that was never actually completed back then... and using so-called «european» materials like, umm, laminate, plastic, and chipboard panels. Despite all this the locals greatly enjoy it, including the singing fountains and the beekeeper's hut.

«Ya ne lezhal na trave!»

«Hey, I never lay on your grass!»

Dolskaya, 10

26. World Trade Centre

It's Moscow's World Trade Center (because it says so outside). Built for the 1980 Olympics, it has long served the western corner of the world in Moscow. Popularly called the «Hammer Center», because of the participation of the American financier Armand Hammer in its creation.

«Gde u vas tut bar s vidom na gorod?»

«So, like, where’s the bar with the panoramic view?»

Krasnopresnenskaya naberezhnaya, 12

27. Plevny Hero Monument

Here the representatives of our capital's sexual minorities defend their inalienable constitutional rights in the battle with Orthodox contingent — often in dispiriting circumstances. We've head that American gay activists are disappointed with the slow progress on your pre-election promises on gay marriage. If you were to meet their Moscow counterparts you wouldn't even have to discuss this - just tell them that gays and lesbians are people too, and that alone would be major progress for them.

«Gei tozhe lyudi»

«GLBT-folk are people too»

28. Barbarians restaurant

The most progressive restaurant in Moscow: Russian food in molecular form. The only restaurant that can claim that people come from abroad specially to eat there. It cedes position to «Pushkin» in the San Pellegrino ratings (66th place), but beats it in the scope, imagination, and pose-factor.

«Eto hleb v vide peny?»

«So this foam is a kind of, uh, bread?»

Strastnoy Boulevard, 8a

29. Canon service centre

Having seen you with camera, everyone knows that the official camera of the US President is a Canon 5D Mark II. If suddenly it that something happens in Moscow, please contact the service center of Canon — people praise «Copy-Moscow», on Begovaya. They say, however, that better than anyone in Moscow for repairing and configures it and Canon 5D Mark II is a freelance technician Arsen Vaganovich Derunts — he does all the work at home, M. Sukharevskaya Sq., 3, entrance, Apt. 144.

«Mozhno ot’’ustirovat’ moj Mark? ­Problemy s beck-fokusom»

«Can you take a look at my Mark? The back-focus is kinda weird»

Begovaya, 1a, bld. 28

30. Vorobevy gory

«The only little noticeable elevation in this flat city» is how Lonely Planet writes-up Vorobevy Gory. People flock here for the main view of the city, and this makes it an essential photo-halt in any of the post-ceremony drive-around for Moscow's newly-weds.

«V kakoj storone Kreml’?»

«So, uh, which way is the Kremlin?»

District Vorob'evy Gory

31. Scandinavia restaurant

If you'd like to meet with the American electorate and fellow European citizens — this is where to find them. The verandas where you will find expats in their favoured habitat, suitable for short speeches.

«Est’ chto-nibud’ bez selyodki?»

«Do you have anything without herring in it?»

M. Palashevsky Pereulok 7

32. Shangri-la casino

The colossal gaudy casinos at the heart of the city are a Moscow feature, but a breed facing rapid extinction. You arrive a few days after the imposition of a no-tolerance ban on casinos in the territory of Russia. It remains to be seen whether they'll open the «Shangri-La Poker Room» (poker isn't prohibited), or convert to a slot-machine hall?

«Fishek na sto dollarov, pozhalujsta»

«I’ll take a hundred buck’s-worth of chips, please»

Pushkinskaya Sq., 2

33. Sadovnichesky quayside

They just tore down a whole quarter of beautiful old buildings — and at the beginning of July — when you arrive — the Government of Moscow is going to demolish another few hundred of them. Making an appearance on the ruins, with a speech, is the shortest way to the heart of Muscovites.

«Eto vsyo radi novoj «Shokoladnicy»?»

«U-huh, and this is all for a new «Chocoladnitsa»?»

Sadovnicheskaya Emb., 78

34. Central house of artists

In the self-same building you'll find the city's most outstanding collection of Russian avant-garde (this is a part of the Tretyakov Gallery) and the wildest collection of souvenir shops and picture-framers, plus shops popular souvenirs. In theory the whole place should have been bulldozed to make way for Norman Foster's «Orange Building», a pet project of the Mayor's wife...but money for the project, apparently ran out, and the old Brezhnev-era building is still in place. Foreigners are stung for higher-price entry tickets by the Tretyakov, so learn the following phrase:

«Ya ne inostranec, propisku pokazat’?»

«I ain’t no foreigner — wanna see my documents?»

35. Ostankino tele- centre

The film-setting for scenes supposed to take place in America. An important propaganda centre not lacking in a certain lugubrious charm. Don't miss the world's first Orthodox Church built in a tv-centre, recently sanctified under father Ioann Okhlobistinny - as well as the «Twin Pigs» bar, where newscasters are said to enjoy a glass of the hard stuff after a hard day at the microphone.

«Dve po sto, pozhalujsta»

«Two double shots, please»

36. Tibet restaurant

You might bump into ad hoc meet-ups of the expat.ru website here, enjoying good Tibetan food. You can even meditate in silence in the basement and support Tibetan freedom with your soul. This is all pretty unusual, because you very rarely see expats wandering around the Kamergeisky Pereulok area.

«Dalaj Lama — eto golova»

«The Dalai Lama — he’s the man!»

37. Viktor Tsoy's wall

Rock-musician Viktor Tsoy was our very own Barack Obama. His song «We're waiting for a change» was an exact equivalent of «Yes We Can». Sadly Viktor Tsoy was killed in a car accident. But it's a sign of respect to go to his graffiti-wall, and smoke a cigarette (we know you quit, but just one for Tsoy's sake).

«Neuzheli ego ne posadili za pesnyu pro vos’miklassnicu?«

«Didn’t they send that guy down over the song about the 8th-grade girl?»

Corner of Old Arbat and Krivoarbatsky pereulok


«Cheburechnaya №1» near Tretyakov Gallery. In the picture — cheese cheburek, 70 rub.

38. Ilya Glazunov gallery

In this picture gallery of the People's Artist of the USSR (and thus, by inheritance, Russia) you can choose your favorite picture - and fix it. Thus, Prime Minister of Russia Vladimir Putin, visiting the recent pictures of Glazunov, was delayed at the painting «Prince Oleg and Igor» (1973), and noticed that the sword was a bit short - «as though they're cutting salami», — Putin added. The artist promised to immediately correct the error.

«A po-moemu, mech v samyj raz!»

«Well, frankly I’d say that sword is exactly the right size»

39. Matrosskaya Tishina prison

This is where over-active businessmen are detained. Mikhail Khodorkovsky is unlikely to make many meetings, but the press often publishes articles and interviews.

«Ya trebuyu advokata! Nu ili hotya by televizor!»

«I demand a lawyer! Or at least, a television!»

Matrosskaya Tishina, 18a

40. Sandunovsky baths

In summer the hot water is cut-off for system repairs in different districts of Moscow. But the trip to the Baths isn't primarily for need of a wash. A good banya (sauna) relieves stress and helps the Russian through life. In the 1990s it became fashionable to hold business discussions in the steam-room — «in Hades people don't cheat each other».

«Veniki vzyal, da»

«Yeah-yeah, I brought the birch-twigs»

Neglinnaya, 14, p. 4

41. Starlite Cafe Diner

Classic American Diner with the hamburger and milkshakes, just how you like it. In Moscow, a little one — in the garden «Aquarium» (branches are not so good). The best one of the chain is in Aquarium Gardens — the other branches don't quite cut it. A place that's stood the test of time.

«Dva gamburgera i klubnichnyj ­milkshejk»

«Two burgers and a couple of strawberry shakes»

Bolshaya Sadovaya, 16

42. American embassy

If you hit problems, this is where to run. Just check in advance that anti-globalists aren't pelting the Embassy with rotten fruit and eggs, or you may have to beat a retreat.

«Ya amerikanskij president, pasport i den’gi ukrali!»

«Listen, I’m the President of the USA… they stole my passport and wallet!»

B. Devyatinsky Pereulok, 8

43. The movement against illegal immigration

You don't have to find the offices of the Movement Against Illegal Immigration — instead, they come looking for you. Run, Obama, run!

«Ya ne nelegalnyj immigrant — ya ne sobirayus’ otnimat’ u russkih rabotu i zhensh’in!»

«I’m not an illegal immigrant — I ain’t gonna take your work or your women!»

44. Red Front confectionery company

Our chocolate — well, it's the best-in-the-world chocolate. «Autumn Waltz» bonbons, and «Birds milk» tart are symbols of national pride - like your iPhone. You can try all of this directly from the conching-pan if you like.

«Vkusnyashka!»

«Yummy!»

2nd Novokuznetsk pereulok 13/15


Currency excahande (obmennik), Belorusskaya Sq.

45. Chaika swimming poolconfectionery

The whole country learned to swim here, and the water still keeps her memories.

«A pochemu u etih starushek paket na golove?»

«How come these old women are all wearing ­carrier bags on their heads?»

Turchaninov trans., 3, p. 1

46. Timizyazev agricultural academy

Order yourself - for that garden you plan laying out around the White House — one of our birch trees, and a poplar... and the image of the Russian soul and Russian idiocy will always be your eyes.

«Mishel’, vyn’ u menya, pozhalujsta, puh iz ushej»

«Michelle, can you yank this pollen-fluff out of my ears, please?»

Pasechnaya, 4a

47. Zurab Tseretely Gallery

America's already well-acquainted with our major sculptor Zurab Tsereteli — he's always offering to give them his works. Three years ago — in memory of the 9/11 attacks — he sent a work called «Tears Of Sorrow». Two cities refused it — New York and Jersey City both declined the «tears», a 150-tonne piece over 100 feet tall, and resembling a mixture of a scar and female genitals. Finally the remote city of Bayonne accepted this gift. Regrettably he has been prolific in donating similar gifts to the City Of Moscow, meaning that they can be encountered at every turn. If you happen to catch his eye, make sure you're not left carrying a new Statue of Liberty back home with you!

«Net, spasibo! Ya skazal: spasibo, net!»

«Err, no, thank you. I said NO, thank you!»

Prechistenka, 19

48. Papa's Place Club

A club where (mainly) American men dance Latin-American salsa with semi-clad Russian girls. It's the living embodiment of mixing cultures, nationalities and languages- of which you, Barack, are the foremost living symbol.

«Kogda nachnyotsya konkurs mokryh maek?»

«So when does the wet t-shirt competition start?»

Myasnitskaya, 22

49. Dorogomilovsky market

This is where you can load-up on all those organic fresh goodies that your wife Michelle likes so much.

«A «bych’e serdce» est’?»

«Have you got those enormous beef tomatoes?»

Mozhaisky Val, 10, bld. 2

50. Alla Pugachova's apartment

Our diva is much more than your Madonna. Alla Pugachova is everything to us — even more than Alexander Pushkin. She's the grey, white and black cardinal of our estrada music, she has her own radio-station, and each year she's heralded off the stage. If you can sing, and you're a young man, and like Pugachova — then everything's going to work out fine for you, and everyone will already know you're gay. The phenomenon of Alla Pugachova's fame remains inexplicable, but while she lives no-one will ever take her place as first lady of the country.

«Tri schastlivyh dnya bylo u menya, bylo u menya s toboj»

«I had three blissful days, three blissful days with you»

Philippovsky Pereulok, 8 / 1

51. The Little Annie tram

It's strange, and no one ever specially asked for it, but the eternal Moscow Entertainment is the Little Annie Tram. The Tram is a cafe on rails that spends it time circuiting Chistie Prudy Ponds. The meals themselves can be expensive and indifferent.

«Prostite, kakaya sleduyush’aya ostanovka?«

«Yo, what’s the next stop?»

m. «Chistie Prudy»

52. Horses along the Boulevard ring

Every night, at any time of year in central Moscow, cute girls waylay passers-by who are a little the worse for drink, and offer them «a ride on the horse». If you refuse, you're asked for a donation to «feed the animals». And both will cost you at least 300 rubles. Favoured routes are the Boulevard Ring, Tverskaya street, Novy Arbat — piles of steaming horse-droppings mark the route. Russians adore horses — one of the most popular PR pictures of ex-President Putin showed him in a t-shirt on a horse.

«Nu cho, krasivaya, poehali katatsya?»

«Giddy up thar, little dogey, let’s ride ‘em out!»

53. Gorky Park

We call it Park Kultury, but you call it Gorky Park without realising that «gorki» means rollercoaster ride. Quite often, our Russian roller coaster closed for repairs, and even when it's working it gives out such a rusty scream that those on board start wishing for a pilot like Sully Sullenberger to bring them down safely, like he did in the Hudson.

«Vypustite menya otsyuda!»

«Let me outta here!»

Krymsky Val, 9


Train car, Krasnopresnenskaya metro station

54. The Moscow metro

Objectively our Moscow Metro is the most beautiful subway in the world. The only problem — it is with station names. We like to change the station-names without any warning, and without any especial logic either.

«Kak eto net bol’she stancii «Bitcevskij park»? Esh’yo vchera byla!»

«Whaddya mean, there’s no Bitsevsky park station? There was yesterday!»

55. Super-beach

Don't even start thinking that there's stuff we haven't got in Moscow. We have everything in Moscow, even a beach. OK, maybe it's only a few meters from the road... and the air-quality is like the Moscow Circular Eight-Lane Highway... but there's a sandy beach, volleyball, bbq and water.

«Kak u vas nazyvaetsya barbekyu — shashlyk?»

«Whaddya call a bbq in Russian — shashlyk?»

Krylatskaya, 8

56. Gypsy cabs

This is a kind of fun comparable with no other — a ride in a Moscow gypsy cab. You have no idea how long the ride may take, how much it might cost, or even where you will be when you get there.

«Ya dumal, vy znaete Moskvu luchshe menya»

«I thought you knew Moscow better than I do»

57. Red Chambers of the XVII century

Only twenty minutes walk from the Kremlin took place the most corrosive political rub-out of this year. At the Red Chambers, a man in a black cap shot lawyer Stanislav Markelov and journalist Anastasia Baburovu. The article that followed in the Wall Street Journal read as follows: «Stanislav Markelov's life could be described as a symbolic odyssey into the dark miasma of Russian lawlessness. Only he and some few other enthusiasts are trying to wring fairness from the Russian judicial system».

«Ubijc tak i ne nashli?»

«Haven’t they found the murderers yet?»

Prechistinka, 1

58. Kristall vodka and spirits distillery

Russia's largest producer of alcoholic drinks. Their range includes vodkas like «Stolichnaya» and «Moskovskaya» and over a dozen other vodka brands including «Hello», «Holiday» and «Zavalinki» — totalling an output of 15.8 million decaliters per year. The main product is called «Putinka» ( «it really has the Russian soul») — alongside which there is «Putinka Rye special», “Putinka Cedar” and «Putinka Lemon». You could try to negotiate the release of vodka «Obamka»? The factory has two shops of its own, open seven days per week. If you like it here, now on the «Crystal» there are job openings for tin-smiths (25 000 rubles a month — which would buy 187 bottles of «Putinki Classical»).

«K chyortu podrobnosti, v kakom ya gorode?»

«Skip the street-name shit, which actual city am I in?»

Samokatnaya, 4

59. Sklifosovsky institute

The most famous hospital in Russia — Emergency aid, up to 30 operations a day. Unusually staffed not by nurses, but by doctors. Heart attack, food-poisoned kebab, a meeting with skinheads in an underpass — God forbid, but if it happens, then you're best off here. No one is turned away, and they never ask for money. The phrase «In short, Sklifosovsky», isn't often heard these days, and doesn't relate to the Institute. There's a tradition that on leaving you never say «au revoir» — they prefer not.

«Mne v Sklif, plachu dva schyotchika»

«Get me to the Sklif, I’ll pay twice the fare!»

B. Sukharevskaya Sq., 3

60. Gorbachev fund

The headquarters of the first and last President of the USSR — here there's money to research the history of Mikhail Gorbachev's perestroika, they hold «Gorbachev readings» and they publish the Collected Works MS Gorbachev. The motto of the fund is «Towards a new civilization», whatever this may mean. But you have to wait for the new perestroika, and a visit to the Center for the Study of perestroika will not be redundant. In any case, keep in mind that Gorbachev sings as well. Gorbachev said about you, Obama, in an interview with us at Bolshoi Gorod magazine: «Obama is a very capable man. But it's another matter that America needs fundamental changes, and I doubt he can implement them».

«A mne kazhetsa, u nas by poluchilsya neplohoj duet»

«Y’know, I’d say we could have made a great duet»

Leningradsky Ave., 39, p. 14

61. Nakhabino golf- club

The quintessential hangout of the «new Russian bourgeoisie» and «new Russian aristocracy». Russia's most famous golf club — «Le Meridien Moscow Country Club»: birch forest on the shores of the lake area of 120 hectares, the only 18-hole course in Russia, sauna, beauty salons, swimming pools, fields for mini-football, tennis courts, bars, etc. This annual tournament Russian Open Cup and the President of Russia on golf. Personal membership of the golf club Nakhabino runs at $ 68 000.

«Gde moi klyushki, chuvak?»

«Where are my clubs, dude?»

Krasnogorsk, Nakhabino — 1

62. Lift in Anna Politkovskaya's apartment building

On 7th Oct, 2006 Russian journalist and human rights campaigner Anna Politkovskaya was killed. Her murder remains unresolved.

«Ubijc tak i ne nashli?»

«Haven’t they found the murderers yet?»

Lesnaya, 8

63. Kvas kiosk

Russia's main non-alcoholic cold drink - the counterpart of your Coca-Cola. A summer promotion this year saw salesgirls dressed a-la-Russe selling kvass from booths for 60 rubles a glass. Quite a few of these outlets were along Tverskaya. If you walk further down the lane, Barack, you can go to the editorial board «Afisha»: in November they put your photo on the cover and you called «a major pop icon of our time».

«Kvasku?»

«Let’s hit the kvas!»

Corner of Tverskaya and Bolshoi Gnezdikovsky Pereulok

64. Russian University for the friendship of nations

Twenty-three thousand students from one hundred and thirty one countries around the world study here. In the 2000s the place has taken on a despondent and desperate aspect — founded for the «education in the spirit of friendship of nations of Asia, Africa and Latin America», the institute can no longer manager to teach half of Russians. One current student is Remigio Obama Nsang Nguema, staying at the University's student dorm — who calls himself your relative. He came from Kenya 6 years ago, learned Russian, and is now studying at the Physics and Mathematics departments.

«O gde zhe ty, brat?»

«O brother, where art thou?»

Miklukho-Maklaya, 6

65. Ksenia Sobchak's apartment

Meet Ksenia Sobchak. The daughter of a former mayor of St. Petersburg, she's the Presenter of the infamous reality-TV show «House — 2». Intellectuals despise her for her vulgarity and folly — yet advanced intellectuals applaud her subtlety, and freedom of mind.

«Ksyusha, ya vernulsya»

«Ksyucha, I’m back!»

66. 2nd Kadashevsky Pereulok

You'll immediately have noticed that the entire center of Moscow has been redesigned, rebuilt and destroyed. 2nd Kadashevskaya — one of the oldest lanes of Moscow, where there are no buildings higher than three storeys, and every second building dates from or before the XVII century. It's the only lane which preserves the scale and scope of pre-revolutionary Moscow — there's no new building at all in it. There's the beautiful church of Zamoskvorechie-Kadashevskaya, frequently visited and photographed by tourists who are in the know.

«Svyatye ugodniki, kuda smotrit Luzhkov?»

«Holy shit! Where’s Luzhkov looking, huh?»

67. Federal migration service of Russia

Now that you've decided to stay permanently in Moscow, you will need to address the question of Russian nationality. Having talked with the Chief Of Police receiving Col. Mikhail Mikhailovich Yatsivom, you may receive a certificate giving «Temporary Right To Reside», then «Permanent Right To Reside in the Russian Federation», then after five years, write a Statement about Russian Citizenship. To give the Statement, you will need to provide a receipt that you agree to abide by Russia's constitution; and write to the U.S. Consulate with a Statement of Denial of Citizenship; and evidence a Certificate of Ability in Russian language. Good luck!

«Ya ostayus’!»

«I’m movin’ in!»

B. Radischevskaya, 4, bld. 1

 
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